PUT DOWN THE PEN.

I know I do not stand alone when I say that I usually try to control every aspect of my life. Of course, I genuinely want God to guide all of my decisions, but the truth is I also want Him to bless all of my decisions. When something doesn't work out for me, whether it is a relationship, or school-related, I often criticize myself or blame my actions as the cause. I contemplate and question what I did wrong this time.

Tonight I was reminded to look at the bigger picture. God has a plan for me. For each and every one of us. He wants to be involved in every aspect of our lives. Not just at school, at work, in our relationships, but in everything we do.We must stop worrying and waiting for the next step to come along, and put all faith in the Lord. I haven't been able to completely comprehend this until I came across a title in a book I started (When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric & Leslie Ludy). It says, "Giving God the Pen". These four simple words sent me in to a reality check.

This past year I have grown tremendously in my faith, but have I really handed over my pen to God? Have I trusted Him with my whole heart, and let Him be the center of my focus? We must lean on God alone and allow Him to guide and direct every part of our existence.

 Psalm 32:8 says, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go."

If our focus is not entirely on Him, we will miss His directions completely, and follow our heart's selfish desires.

...This was heavy on my heart tonight and I just wanted to share these thoughts with you. I highly recommend any and every single lady or man out there to get this book! Every page is full of advice, encouragement, and TRUTH - straight from God's words. I'm sure I'll be referencing a lot to this book for a while, I hope you don't mind.
Summer is over and I'm finally getting back in to the swing of things. Classes have started, my Christian college group is finally meeting again, and my ladies' bible study begins next week! So I'm looking forward to sharing my thoughts and inspirations with you once again.

Hayley

broken ashes.

Hi friends. I've just got to get this off my chest. Please don't mind if I spill for a bit... If you've been following me for a while then you may have read about my testimony and are familiar that it begins with emptiness and heartbrake from a past relationship. So I'll start from the beginning and try to make this brief and not go off on a total whim. I dated a guy for a little over 4 years starting in highschool through college. He was a few years older than me, and fit the "dangerous boy" characteristics to a tee. (WHAT is it with young girls falling for the bad boys!?) A year into the relationship it turned cold. It was not a pure, Godly relationship. I grew into a different person with him. I neglected my friends and family. I grew up in a Christian home with Godly parents. They did not approve of him right off the bat. He began lying, sneaking around, and partying all the time. I was young and naive so I just continued to put up with it and give him my heart...to make a long story short - after 4 years, he cheated on me numerous times - we ended things. He moved to Miami and I eventually moved off to college.

A couple of years passed and he ended up moving back to our hometown, and we started to keep in touch from time to time. It was strictly a "civil" basis just to see how one another was doing and such. I have moved on from him. I am healed. I forgave him in my heart and I had forgiven him for all the pain he caused me long ago.

This past year at college I got involved in a christian organization and turned my life around completely. I really started to become close to the Lord once again, and my faith has been stronger now than in my entire life. Well, this year my ex-boyfriend keeps popping in my life again, more than I would like. He got a job working where my BEST friend works. And let me tell ya, this has caused so much drama, it's unreal. Because he still lives the same lifestyle he always has - now I just get to hear about it from my best girlfriend. Him and I have developed some sort of friendship these past few months, although I would not say we're buddies. (I know, I know- you're all thinking "WHYY?!!" I can't tell you why, maybe because I'm bored, or maybe because it's just a 'comfortable' friendship??) But it is difficult when he tells me one thing, then she tells me another... We live in a small town so everybody knows everybody = drama. Several of my friends here recently have run into him. Ofcourse I hear about it as soon as it happens. So when he buys my girlfriends drinks at the bar ofcourse it's going to strike a nerve.

To be clear, I have NO intentions to get back with my ex-boyfriend. I have ZERO feelings for him, and I'm not even the least bit attracted to him anymore. I know that it has been a huge mistake keeping in contact with him recently. If I talk to him or see him, I am not myself. It's like we're still in that awful relationship and I'm trapped. I thank God everyday that my mistakes with him did not cause LIFETIME consequences. His negative actions rub off on me when I'm around him. Even when we argue it's just like old times. The hatred and awful things we say just comes out so easily. I think part of it is because we just DO NOT click, and it's just what we're used to doing together - arguing. I recently decided that enough was enough! He is not good for me, I do not need him in my life. He will only continue to bring me down. So I told him that I was done with the so-called "friendship" we have. He's been nothing but hateful ever since. Texting me awful things just to hurt me, etc.

I keep asking God "WHY? Why does he have to keep appearing in my life after all these years?" Just when I finally have my life on track - I'm trying to become the Christian woman God wants me to be... I wonder if it is a test. Having him pop up in my life when my faith is strong - to see how I'll handle it. Will I fall into temptation? Will I let his actions influence my words, my behavior? So far, I have. I have failed. The WORST part about it is he knows that I've been strong in my Faith. So when I make a mistake or let him influence me - he calls me hypocritical...sadly it is true. I have failed my God, my Heavanly Father, my King. I have let my ex get the best of me. It is clear that him and I should not be friends. I need to cut off all communication to him whatsoever. He is only bringing me down, and I just can't seem to be a good Christian example to him. I need not to be involved in any of the drama that revolves around him.

Whew! Thanks for letting me ramble. You're an angel if you actually read this through. I know we all have a first love, or a past relationship that can haunt us from time to time. All I can do is pray for him and I to go our separate ways forever, and pray for strength to be a Christian example shall I run into him again. Any words of advice would be helpful! Please tell me I'm not alone in the battle to part ways with my ex once and for all. IS it possible to have a civil friendship with an old love?? From my experiences - absolutely not.

Young girls, be careful and gaurd your heart.

 I came across this powerful song today and it just reached out and grabbed my heart. I want to "trade my ashes in for beauty". My ashes represent my broken relationship. I want to give my past to the Lord. I want Him to take it and do away with it. Here is my heart, Lord. Take it and seal it, seal it for thy courts above. I want nothing more than to lay every burden down at the foot of the cross.


Kathryn Scott - At The Foot of The Cross

"At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
Through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart
Yes You've won my heart
Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
You have given me life
Through the death You bore for me
I'm laying every burden down
I'm laying every burden down

never alone.

 Walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
 Live with the security that there is better to come.
 Believe with the faith that you are loved.
       -unkown

shuffle.

I was visiting over at Short Southern Momma's blog- and decided to steal her idea of a very random post. I only have over 2,000 songs on my ipod. The songs vary anywhere from classical, to christian, alternative, jazz, rap,  and all the way to a little Southern rock. You'll mostly find country on my playlists, but I like just about everything. Isn't it funny how we can be in a different "music mood" every day? I know my mood changes all the time!

Here's the first 10 songs on my ipod shuffle.

1. How Should I know {Eli Young Band}

2. Collide {Howie Day}

3. Pretty Eyes {Jason Reeves}

4. Only You Can Love Me This Way {Keith Urban}

5. The Little Things {Colbie Caillat}

6. I Still Believe {Jeremy Camp}

7. A Storm Blew In {Brandon Rhyder}

8. We Are Broken {Paramore}

9. Please Don't Stop the Music {Rihanna}

10. Whatcha Say {Jason Derulo}

Pretty random list of songs! Haha. Gotta love the random posts! So what's on your shuffle playlist??

summer projects.

Hi friends! Sorry I've been out of the loop lately. I've missed you all dearly. Summer is HERE!! FINALLY. I tried to stay off my laptop during the week of final exams. Once they were all done I celebrated with friends. Relaxed. And just enjoyed myself. I packed up and headed home to stay with my parents for a few weeks.

It has been just lovely. It has been nice at home just doing things around the house. I always have to have projects. I like to keep myself busy. Who would've thought? After a CRAZY long semester of classes you'd think I'd like to take it easy. Well, I did take a couple days to be a couch potato, but that didn't last long! I'm not working right now, and I don't start summer classes until the first of July. Since my parents are working I always try to do my part when I've got free time - and get some things done that they don't have the time to do. So these next few weeks I'm looking forward to being one busy girl! Here are a few things I've gotten started on...

1. Excercise 5 days a week

2. Clean OUT closets

3. Have a garage sale

4. Paint guest bedroom

5. Backyard flowerbeds

I do love projects! Especially if it involves organizing, or getting rid of junk. The excercising- not so much. Blehh. But hey, I'm doing good so far. Since I don't have my gym here I take Bella to the local park where we have a real nice 3.5 mile trail. I've gone every morning this week. I really look forward to the trail. It leads through woods that run smack in the middle of town. Over a few small streams, and by several children's parks. For that hour and 15 minute walk- no cell phone, no internet, simply just my ipod playlists and the whistling of nature that surrounds me. I really enjoy it a lot more than the treadmill. I get so bored with that machine... My parents are putting our house on the market later this year so we're doing our best to clean out as much as we can. I've always been a major packrat so now it's time to throw out old junk! There's a few rooms in the house that I'd like to repaint. Some good neutral colors will do... I absolutely LOVE working in the flowerbeds! I like to get my hands dirty. Isn't it strange that I'd much rather pull weeds, trim hedges, and plant rather than paying somebody else to do it?! I don't think it's strictly a man's job! Planting beautiful flowers. Landscaping. I love it all!

I'll keep you posted on my projects. We're having the garage sale next weekend. What ever we can't get rid of will be going to GoodWill...I've missed you, bloggy friends! I've been searching for some inspiration lately for a good post. I guess this will have to do! Lots more going on around here, but I thought I'd share a few things with you. What summer projects do you have going on?!

fiesta de mayo.

When I think of Cinco de Mayo I think of

bright colors.

fiesta.

mexico.

independence.

pinatas.

sombreros.

fajitas.

chilis.

margaritas.

fruit.

 

[photos from here and here]

Have a fun, festive day!

unfortunate pattern.

It seems as I've been in a spiritual rut. I've been getting overwhelmed with classes, exams, studying, and daydreaming of summer time approaching. I have not been putting God first. When I get this way- I tend to withdrawl. I don't want to hang out with friends or go to functions- I just want to have "me" time and do what I want. No, I don't like to sit at home and sulk. I just stay focused on my studies, working out, shopping, or other little things I enjoy doing by myself.

When I get this way I tend to pick a part myself. Not just physically, but mentally as well. I question if I'm doing the right thing, or if I'm heading in the right direction with my life. I wonder if I'm ever going to "get there". Will I ever accomplish my goals? Will I ever meet the love of my life? I continue to pick apart myself as I look around me. All my friends are graduating college. I on the other hand, still have a couple years to go. (If I had known exactly what I wanted to do a few years ago- I would be graduating too)...Most of them are either engaged, married, or married with atleast one kid. I just feel so behind. To me, it seems as though I'll never get there. I don't want to wish my life away- I want to stay young forever. But I do want to get on with this stage in my life. All I can do is pray that God guides each step of mine.

I have not been in my Word lately. So therefore, I know exactly why I'm in this rut. When I'm reading God's word every single day I feel more at peace. I'm comforted. Guided. Fulfilled. Reassured...and when I fall away I begin to feel like THIS all over again. It is a pattern. At times I'll get on a spiritual high- and I'm feeling on FIRE for the Lord every single day. I'll see Him speak to me. I see Him in my life EVERY DAY. Then I continue with that satisfied feeling and try to carry it with me for as long as it lasts, and I'll get out of my faithful habits. I'll skip reading for a day...or two....then it becomes three. Before I know it I haven't read my Bible or prayed to the Lord and thanked Him for all he's done in an entire week! Then, this leads to the return of old habits, sinful ways. I'll feel so guilty and convicted that I don't even feel worthy enough to pray to the Lord. So I don't. I mean why should I ask for His help and forgiveness when I fail Him over and over again? When I do things I promised Him I'd never do again. So you see, it's so easy for the devil to attack me when I'm in this rut. It's like I'll take one step forward, and two steps back.

Praise the Lord that He continues to be there for us even when we neglect Him. I know He is here for me. No matter what I do. Sometimes it is just hard to swallow my pride and ask for forgiveness, even when we know we don't deserve it. It's hard to even grasp the concept of His forgiveness.


"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgivenss of sins, accordance with the riches of God's grace." -Ephesians 1:7

"Cast your burdens on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteouss to be moved." -Psalm 55:22

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." -1 John 1:9