Sunday, May 2, 2010

unfortunate pattern.

It seems as I've been in a spiritual rut. I've been getting overwhelmed with classes, exams, studying, and daydreaming of summer time approaching. I have not been putting God first. When I get this way- I tend to withdrawl. I don't want to hang out with friends or go to functions- I just want to have "me" time and do what I want. No, I don't like to sit at home and sulk. I just stay focused on my studies, working out, shopping, or other little things I enjoy doing by myself.

When I get this way I tend to pick a part myself. Not just physically, but mentally as well. I question if I'm doing the right thing, or if I'm heading in the right direction with my life. I wonder if I'm ever going to "get there". Will I ever accomplish my goals? Will I ever meet the love of my life? I continue to pick apart myself as I look around me. All my friends are graduating college. I on the other hand, still have a couple years to go. (If I had known exactly what I wanted to do a few years ago- I would be graduating too)...Most of them are either engaged, married, or married with atleast one kid. I just feel so behind. To me, it seems as though I'll never get there. I don't want to wish my life away- I want to stay young forever. But I do want to get on with this stage in my life. All I can do is pray that God guides each step of mine.

I have not been in my Word lately. So therefore, I know exactly why I'm in this rut. When I'm reading God's word every single day I feel more at peace. I'm comforted. Guided. Fulfilled. Reassured...and when I fall away I begin to feel like THIS all over again. It is a pattern. At times I'll get on a spiritual high- and I'm feeling on FIRE for the Lord every single day. I'll see Him speak to me. I see Him in my life EVERY DAY. Then I continue with that satisfied feeling and try to carry it with me for as long as it lasts, and I'll get out of my faithful habits. I'll skip reading for a day...or two....then it becomes three. Before I know it I haven't read my Bible or prayed to the Lord and thanked Him for all he's done in an entire week! Then, this leads to the return of old habits, sinful ways. I'll feel so guilty and convicted that I don't even feel worthy enough to pray to the Lord. So I don't. I mean why should I ask for His help and forgiveness when I fail Him over and over again? When I do things I promised Him I'd never do again. So you see, it's so easy for the devil to attack me when I'm in this rut. It's like I'll take one step forward, and two steps back.

Praise the Lord that He continues to be there for us even when we neglect Him. I know He is here for me. No matter what I do. Sometimes it is just hard to swallow my pride and ask for forgiveness, even when we know we don't deserve it. It's hard to even grasp the concept of His forgiveness.

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgivenss of sins, accordance with the riches of God's grace." -Ephesians 1:7

"Cast your burdens on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteouss to be moved." -Psalm 55:22

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." -1 John 1:9


Briana Kate said...

Thanks for your honesty! I feel the same way! It is hard to be in the stage of life we are in right now while not wanting to waste the present but longing for the future! I understand exactly..that is my heart right now. Praying for you as I type and trusting in the Lord to lift you up and lead you in His will!

Kristin said...

Hi Hayley! Thanks for being so real through this post. Sending you a hug :-) I can totally relate...for me my lack of time with God manifests itself with irritation. I have no patience for those around me, and everything seems to dance on my nerves. I don't want to be that way! So why doesn't that motivation push me to spend time filling up on God every morning?? I hate ruts! Praying for you this morning... Oh, and thanks for sharing those hopeful verses at the end!

God's girl said...

Very honest post. I can relate. I come to the conclusion I am also withdrawing. God will draw near to us as we draw near to Him. He is so worthy and it's a lie from satan that we can't accept God's forgiveness. God doesn't change. Thank you for the heartfelt post and verses.

Blessings! Heaven

K said...

I get like this a lot. I used to think I was the only one in the world that struggled with this. Praying for you Hayley!

God bless. Khaddafina

Laura said...

I completely understand what you are saying! Finals week is so stressful and your mind is completely focused on school. I too am in the same position as you. I am so thankful that He will still be there waiting for me after I have the self discipline to search and seek him again. Praying that you'll be out of the rut soon! Good luck on your finals!!!!!!

Kelsea Gunter said...

We don't know each other but I found your blog through Kindred Spirits...your post was an encouragement to me. I'm the exact same age as you and although I'm graduating college, I find myself in the same rut, the same two steps backwards, and the same view of everyone else moving on, getting married, buying a house, having a career, or having kids. Hang in there, I'm learning God's got His own plan for each of us..don't feel like you're not getting anywhere just because you're not following some kind of socially set timeline. :) Thanks again for being so transparent.