Wednesday, June 30, 2010

broken ashes.

Hi friends. I've just got to get this off my chest. Please don't mind if I spill for a bit... If you've been following me for a while then you may have read about my testimony and are familiar that it begins with emptiness and heartbrake from a past relationship. So I'll start from the beginning and try to make this brief and not go off on a total whim. I dated a guy for a little over 4 years starting in highschool through college. He was a few years older than me, and fit the "dangerous boy" characteristics to a tee. (WHAT is it with young girls falling for the bad boys!?) A year into the relationship it turned cold. It was not a pure, Godly relationship. I grew into a different person with him. I neglected my friends and family. I grew up in a Christian home with Godly parents. They did not approve of him right off the bat. He began lying, sneaking around, and partying all the time. I was young and naive so I just continued to put up with it and give him my make a long story short - after 4 years, he cheated on me numerous times - we ended things. He moved to Miami and I eventually moved off to college.

A couple of years passed and he ended up moving back to our hometown, and we started to keep in touch from time to time. It was strictly a "civil" basis just to see how one another was doing and such. I have moved on from him. I am healed. I forgave him in my heart and I had forgiven him for all the pain he caused me long ago.

This past year at college I got involved in a christian organization and turned my life around completely. I really started to become close to the Lord once again, and my faith has been stronger now than in my entire life. Well, this year my ex-boyfriend keeps popping in my life again, more than I would like. He got a job working where my BEST friend works. And let me tell ya, this has caused so much drama, it's unreal. Because he still lives the same lifestyle he always has - now I just get to hear about it from my best girlfriend. Him and I have developed some sort of friendship these past few months, although I would not say we're buddies. (I know, I know- you're all thinking "WHYY?!!" I can't tell you why, maybe because I'm bored, or maybe because it's just a 'comfortable' friendship??) But it is difficult when he tells me one thing, then she tells me another... We live in a small town so everybody knows everybody = drama. Several of my friends here recently have run into him. Ofcourse I hear about it as soon as it happens. So when he buys my girlfriends drinks at the bar ofcourse it's going to strike a nerve.

To be clear, I have NO intentions to get back with my ex-boyfriend. I have ZERO feelings for him, and I'm not even the least bit attracted to him anymore. I know that it has been a huge mistake keeping in contact with him recently. If I talk to him or see him, I am not myself. It's like we're still in that awful relationship and I'm trapped. I thank God everyday that my mistakes with him did not cause LIFETIME consequences. His negative actions rub off on me when I'm around him. Even when we argue it's just like old times. The hatred and awful things we say just comes out so easily. I think part of it is because we just DO NOT click, and it's just what we're used to doing together - arguing. I recently decided that enough was enough! He is not good for me, I do not need him in my life. He will only continue to bring me down. So I told him that I was done with the so-called "friendship" we have. He's been nothing but hateful ever since. Texting me awful things just to hurt me, etc.

I keep asking God "WHY? Why does he have to keep appearing in my life after all these years?" Just when I finally have my life on track - I'm trying to become the Christian woman God wants me to be... I wonder if it is a test. Having him pop up in my life when my faith is strong - to see how I'll handle it. Will I fall into temptation? Will I let his actions influence my words, my behavior? So far, I have. I have failed. The WORST part about it is he knows that I've been strong in my Faith. So when I make a mistake or let him influence me - he calls me hypocritical...sadly it is true. I have failed my God, my Heavanly Father, my King. I have let my ex get the best of me. It is clear that him and I should not be friends. I need to cut off all communication to him whatsoever. He is only bringing me down, and I just can't seem to be a good Christian example to him. I need not to be involved in any of the drama that revolves around him.

Whew! Thanks for letting me ramble. You're an angel if you actually read this through. I know we all have a first love, or a past relationship that can haunt us from time to time. All I can do is pray for him and I to go our separate ways forever, and pray for strength to be a Christian example shall I run into him again. Any words of advice would be helpful! Please tell me I'm not alone in the battle to part ways with my ex once and for all. IS it possible to have a civil friendship with an old love?? From my experiences - absolutely not.

Young girls, be careful and gaurd your heart.

 I came across this powerful song today and it just reached out and grabbed my heart. I want to "trade my ashes in for beauty". My ashes represent my broken relationship. I want to give my past to the Lord. I want Him to take it and do away with it. Here is my heart, Lord. Take it and seal it, seal it for thy courts above. I want nothing more than to lay every burden down at the foot of the cross.

Kathryn Scott - At The Foot of The Cross

"At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
Through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart
Yes You've won my heart
Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
You have given me life
Through the death You bore for me
I'm laying every burden down
I'm laying every burden down


Jessica said...

You definitely are not alone! It is really hard to break completely free from someone like that- esp being from the same small town! Sounds like you have a pretty good grasp on things and know you are better off without him in your life!
+ I love that song!

Good luck moving into your new apartment! and thanks for the support with my "issue" ha its so embarrassing but glad to know I'm not the only one who has to deal with it!

Kristin said...

That IS a wonderful song-we sing it at church, and it's always spoken to me. You poor darling having to go through all of this, but there is hope! God can redeem all the time you've spent on this guy, and give you a man that is beyond your wildest dreams! Saying a prayer for you tonight - that God would guard you from this dude and that your lives will somehow find completely different circles to move in. Sending a hug your way! :-) ~Kristin from Windy Poplars

Love Unawakened said...

I SOOOOOO feel you on this! Right there with you and praying for you!